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whoa [jun 1st, 2007; 9:03am]
[ mood | okay ]

its been a while... for those of you who don't know, i just recently completed a week of inpatient rehab at arms acres in carmel, new york. that week was like a big joke to me, i yessed everyone to death, participated half-heartedly in group, and everyone knew that once i got out my intentions would shift straight to using again. well, they were right.

my second day back i hung out with my boyfriend; jack, his friends danny and evan, and my friend jess. we all copped and got fucked up, and for a while it was fun. jack, on the otherhand decided he needed to be even MORE fucked up, and copped another few bags. within moments after the needle plunged under his skin, mid conversation mind you, he collapsed of an overdose. his heart stopped and his breath fell short. his face began to turn blue and each of us took a moment to panic. i followed my instincts and proceeded to administer CPR, while jess went and started danny's car. we knew that if he didn't reach a hospital, his life would be over within minutes.

we reached brookhaven hospital, which is roughly twenty minutes from my house, in about five. jack was rushed into the emergency room and treated with naloxone to bring him back around. after he was safe and breathing on his own again, i became hysterical. the hospital staff were well aware that jack wasn't the only one under the influence, and so a police officer took the keys of dan's car and we had his mom pick us up. it was a really emotional ride back to my house, to say the least.

the next few days jack was kept admitted in intensive care and then into behavioral health. he was released and took a cab to my house the following thursday. as he stepped out of the cab, i threw myself at him and we had a good ten minuted of loving and hugging on my front lawn before going inside.

the next few days were hectic, jack wasn't allowed back at his house under the conditions that he would not complete a residential rehabilitation program. after spending a night at my house, and one night on the streets, he finally gave in and agreed to enter a program. he returned home and was basically on lockdown until he was admitted into daytop's manor house in dutchess county, new york. i myself entered an intensive outpatient program at sanctuary east in east islip. many words and tears later, jack and i came to terms with the fact that both of us would stay clean for as long as possible.

i basically watched my boyfriend make a drastic change from a happy, conversative, normal although intoxicated person, into a lifeless sack of skin and bones within minutes. a year of rehab could never do for me what this experience did to my brain, as well as my heart. heroin is one hell of a drug... it has its fun times but the minute you cross the line of just enough to a little too much, it's all downhill from there.

the rush, the short although intense high is NOT WORTH the reprecussuions that surface with every chance you take as that needle goes into your arm. every time you use, your tolerance slowly increases. eventually you get to a point where even when you're completely shitfaced, it's still not enough. this is the point where most people load themselves up on so much drugs they risk overdose. i'm not gonna lie, it was hard to let go of all the good times. i like getting high. i get the biggest thrill before that plunger is even pushed. i loved going to cop, i loved preparing my shot. i loved watching the blood rush up into the needle and mix with the drug. it was all so dangerous, so forbidden, that i would get off on just the simple fact of what i was doing. but after that night, i realized that it's not worth it. all the dope in the world could never make up for the love that i have for jack. no drug can compare to the high that i get from simply being for him.

just remember, one is too many and a thousand is never enough. once you start down the path of severe drinking and drugging, you turn into a monster. i emptied my dads bank account, robbed, stole, lied... all to get high. eventually i lost control and the drugs completely took over my body and made me do things that in a clear state of mind i would never do. i hurt so many people, including myself, over these past few months. and looking back, was it all worth it? i'm not gonna lie, the highs were worth a lot of it. but the aftereffects, not at all.

today i'm a diffrent person. i really had to hit rock bottom and almost lose everything that ever meant anything to me to even consider changing my ways. it became more than a habit, more than an acquired behavior. these rituals, they became my life. and i know i'm not "cured", i'm not "freed" of the addiction, but today i can honestly say that day by day, my life is becoming more manageable, less stressfull. i've successfully detoxed and to say the least i have a clear head on my shoulders. i know i'm probably not going to be clean forever, slipups are all part of the recovery process. i'm living in today, and today only.

"if you live with one leg in yesterday, and the other leg in tomorrow, you'll be pissing all over today"

and although i didn't take inpatient rehab seriously, i did gain a lot of insight from it. just being in a facility full of addicts gives you a peace of mind. you're not the only one going through this struggle. listening to war stories... some funny, some actually really tragic, it helps.

and i even harvested a good friendship with this kid brian while i was there. we were both being admitted at the same time, and we were discharged a day apart. he lives in shelton, conneticut. today i'm actually taking the ferry into bridgeport to meet up with him and hang out for the day. it should be nice, he wants to take me to lunch and stuff and show me a good time. and i'm thankful to be getting a change of pace, a change of scenery... that's if he decides to answer the phone, haha.

i'll leave it off at that, i'll probably start updating more now that i have a little more structure and a lot less "high time" in my life. peace out, lj.


life [apr 30th, 2007; 7:38pm]
life has never been better. theres the occasional ups and downs, but being in love makes everything worthwhile.

shit [feb 24th, 2007; 5:43pm]
if i don't get to spend spring break in california with my love i am going to die.

ok [jan 28th, 2007; 4:57am]
i want everyone to know that i'm not gonna be the person i've been lately. i've finally gotten to the point where i'm disgusted with where life's taking me. and to everyone who i have hurt i am sorry. right now i'm gonna have to realize who and what matters in my life. who is gonna stay and who is gonna leave, who is gonna come back from the past. i'm only going to associate with the people who can help me help myself, i'm going to prove everyone wrong by showing them that i'm not the person i've been. i'm kicking this lifestyle to the curb and hopefully i'll be able to get my thrills through positive things in life. and i'm ok with letting go. little things go a long way, change doesn't have to be drastic to make an impact. if there's enough desire behind an action, there's no limit to what can be done.

so far away [dec 21st, 2006; 6:01pm]
i'll stop breathing if i don't see you anymore.

vice [nov 27th, 2006; 10:14pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i basically got a job writing articles / editorials for vice magazine. a woman who works for them found me on myspace, and contacted me asking if i would like to write an article for an upcoming issue. i gladly accepted. i sent it in, and she really liked it. i've been asked to continue writing for them. it's really exciting.

if you've never heard of vice, you should definitely check it out. i had never read it until they contacted me, and i'm glad they did. it's really interesting; i'm psyched to write for such a cool magazine.

a photographer's coming to my house tomorrow to take my picture to be featured along with the article, and i just filled out an invoice so that they can send me $100 for my writing. i'm getting paid to do something i love, and i get to be featured in a magazine that's recognized all over the world. plus, i don't even have to leave my room to do it!


surrendered [nov 1st, 2006; 10:12pm]
today i surrendered myself to my higher power, and i am clean; even if just for today. i am recovering one day at a time. i joined narcotics anonymous and i will attend meetings as often as every day. i really didn't give it any thought beforeahand, just yesterday i was fucked up but the way i look at it if i was willing to give drugs a try, recovery is worth a shot too. and i'm doing it with someone who means more to me than anyone could comprehend. i'd rather have my best friend, both of us in a state of clear mindedness, than have a couple of shits and giggles and a bad track record. not to mention the feeling you get when you run out of drugs, run out of money, ect. i really like the meetings, they are inspirational and actually; they are a lot of fun. so hopefully i'll be strong enough to stick with my decision.

i also joined the gym, it makes me feel good to do something good for my mind and my body. plus now that i'm sober the workout high helps me get through the day, haha. tomorrow i gotta go find out if i have a jay oh bee JOB! yeahhh.

i'm finally DOING things, instead of making goals that i can't follow through on. i'm happy.

order [oct 29th, 2006; 8:25pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

so now is when i actually have to grow concerned about my future. at this point i have to enroll to take classes at suffolk to graduate on time, so i've been thinking about just engulfing myself in classes and accumulating credits to graduate a semester early. meaning by next winter i will be complete with highschool. after that i want a little bit of time to save up money for college. i think i want to go to california, live there for enough time to become a resident, and enroll in mortuary school. i did some research on schools, i'd need about $5000 give or take a few thousand in total to pay for school. i'd probably be eligible for financial aid, and if all goes well i may have a job sometime this week. if i can control myself, i'll put all my paychecks in the bank until i have enough money to buy myself a decent car. then i'll start putting money away for school.

i think about these things a lot, money and school, stuff like that. i am my biggest asset yet the only element holding me back. i've been trying my best to get myself to school each day, i think i may be in the early stages of developing a routine life. i need that, i need something structured that will keep me moving forward. this is the time in my life where every move i make really starts to matter. i become more and more aware of that every day. it's scary yet exciting at the same time.

it's hard for me to establish goals and really work my ass off to achive them. my life is so overwhelmed with emotion and warped trains of thought that i fail to keep myself walking on the most beneficial paths. but i've lived too long hiding behind things, i want i need i have to push myself towards success. sometimes things fucking suck, sometimes i want to give up but i have so much potential so much going on in my head that can take me places i would have never been able to conjure up on my own, i have to keep trying and failing and trying and trying to not give up hope.


fuck [oct 27th, 2006; 6:41pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

good turns to bad a lot faster than bad turns to good. i just found out that jackie's coming home for two weeks, and then going back to florida forever, her family found a house down there so yeah. jack's moving to california in january. how much more of my heart is gonna be thrown around the fucking country? i hate this, i hate building up trust and relationships with people only to have them leave once things are going well. its no one's fault, but it just sucks. a lot. aye. lot. i feel like i never wanna talk to another human being for the rest of my life in fear that ill build up trust in them and they'll dissapear from my life at a later time.

i was supposed to hang out with amanda today, but i'm sick and can't leave the house. i was also supposed to hang out with jack today, but his phone is fucked up. i will probably go sleep the rest of the day off like i'd been doing two hours ago. peace.


ugh [oct 22nd, 2006; 3:52am]
fuck being drunk
i cant stop eating
shit shit shit

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